Redefining her love

It has been three years since my grandmother’s death. Love has always been synonymous to her existence. I had lived twenty-two beautiful years of my life because of the reality that she had loved me so much beyond words can ever explain. I guess it is the kind of love that transcends through time and yet no words can exactly capture its existence. After her death, I realized that I had so much love for her. And I thought that love will always be for her.

Life after her death has been very struggling. I wake up each day relinquishing her love for me as a reminder that my life is still beautiful despite the reality that she wasn’t with me anymore. I had to brace myself with the sleepless nights when I longed for the times we had been together, her smile, her laugh, her kiss, her hug, and etc. I had to keep my faith stronger than ever believing that I can’t mourn any longer for she was already home, home with God.

I always tell myself that the loving years she spent with me were more than enough for me to gather up the strength to let go of the sadness I felt after her death. I realized it was more than a gift that she had witnessed my twenty-two years of existence and showered me with so much love. And for that, I couldn’t afford to be sad of what has been lost rather I should be thankful of what I have and will always have, and that is her love.

To be loved by someone is one good deal, but to be loved by someone so much is one great deal. It feels like an overflowing supply of love and that love becomes so beautiful each day of one’s life.

As they say, love can’t be contained. It has to spread its wings somewhere it is needed. After her death, my heart has been full of love, but it was only for her. I had so much love but it was only for one dead person. It saddened me to realize that I may have so much love but it can never be reciprocated anymore because she was already in a place outside my reach.

The struggle to live each day without her is a bittersweet reminder of what I had so much before and now I am beginning to cherish and unravel the appreciation and gratefulness of what she had done for me in my twenty-two years of existence.

That gratefulness led me to realize that there are people whom I can still love, my parents, my siblings, my relatives, my friends, and some special people. It made me to be aware that my heart can always love other than her. My heart may have been for her for the past twenty-two years of my life but my capacity to love should not end with her death. I may never replace or even let go of that great love we have for each other, but I believe my heart is resilient enough to create a place other than for her that can accommodate more people that I can love throughout the years or my life.

It is with this appreciation of how much I have been loved that made me understand that one person can duplicate my capacity to love other people. It is through her that I comprehend that love is and will be beautiful in every aspect of its existence.

• Lyndi Cylet Ramos
• January 4, 2012
• Categories: Personal